Childless Woman

From time to time, I get really down about alot of different things; one being that I never had the chance to mother a child.
Tonight is one of those times. I don't know why I feel the way I do, it just happens.
Considering that birth control was never an option for myself due to the health risks that came with them,  it's almost unreal that a pregnancy never occurred.  ALMOST.
I have come to the conclusion that the only explanation is the usage of the seizure medications I had to ingest for the first fifteen years of my life.

Even though I tell people that I don't want children,  can't stand them,  would be a bad mother,  it's a lie.  That is just the only way I've ever been able to deal with the fact that I never had any.  Maybe if I tell others those lies,  I may begin to believe them myself. Only a handful of people really know the pain I have from being childless.  I use to pray about it and after years of that,  I decided that it was not God's will for me to be a mother.  I hurt oftentimes, when I hear of other women finding out the wonderful news or see new mothers with their infants but more so when I see babies born to women that have no appreciation of the life that they've carried around in their bodies all that time to only birth them and not take care of them or pawn them off on a grandparent because they probably only wanted the tax break in the first place.
I will never understand why I never received the gift of motherhood in this life.
 I can only hope that before it gets too late,  it will happen. It is not unheard of for a woman to become pregnant in her 40s or 50s.
Until then,  I will love my four-legged "fur babies" as my children and treat them that way.
God Bless and goodnight!